The Story

A long time ago, a lifetime ago though it was probably a little over ten years, I came here with a certain man.  James.  And Bevin, you know Bevin.  And Claire, his partner then, the mother of his child.  We came as all the tourists do, to hike on the mountains.  I was never a mountains person, even before my mishap it held no appeal to me, but James was so enthusiastic that I thought I would try.  The four of us did everything together and I thought I would manage.  I remember my first impressions of this village, love at first sight, as they say.  Just the right amount of quiet, just the right amount of busy.  I could live a peaceful life without the feeling of being watched by my neighbours.  We stayed the night in the hotel, ate our breakfast and set off.  In the beginning I thought it would be okay.  I though I would be able to manage the hiking but the feeling less than an hour.  I began to fall back, walking behind the others, lagging behind.  They didn't notice.  They simply kept on at their steady pace.  Higher and higher into the hills.  I managed the first day arriving at the mountain hut after the others.  They were sitting round a little fire they had built toasting their sausages on sticks and drinking the wine they had brought for the first evening.  Red of course, no refrigeration for white.  They carried on chatting, talking about things they had seen on the path, about plans and ideas.  They did not once ask me how I was, they did not notice I was not joining in the conversation.  They did not notice me at all.  Bevin and Claire went to bed, to get an early night for the long day ahead.  We waited listening to the gentle sounds of them having sex.  James said nothing, in a state of bliss.  I tried to talk to him.  I tried to tell him how hard it was.  How difficult it was.  How dreadful it was but the words didn't form.  All I managed to blurt out was I had to go back to the hotel.  James just said something blaze, something like we can go there again, that it was really beautiful.  I spat back at him I had to go back now.  He looked at me, I remember the contempt in his expression at the venom in my voice, go if you must, he said, but it is stupid, might as well go on now as we are a third of the way there.  I stood suddenly, ready to leave.  He looked suddenly weary, exhausted.  Look, he said, if you must go you must go.  I don't know what it is that I have done to make you go but if you must, you must.  I will come back for you if you go.  I will always come back for you.  You know that.  But now, lets just go to bed.

James went into the hut while I exploded inside.  This was not about him, he did not even think it might have been about me.  How little he knew me that he would think this was about me being angry at something he had done.  He cast me as the bad guy.  The bitch picking on his minor fucking mistakes.  I stood there until the sounds of his getting into his sleeping bag stopped.  I stood until he was quiet then I left.  Turned and ran.  Ran on the path to begin with but in the dark and with tears in my eyes I lost my way.  Crashing through brush, slipping and tripping until I eventually lay sobbing, bleeding and bruised until the morning.  I found my way back to the village, I don't know if you remember when I first came I stayed at the hotel.  Then at a B and B as it was cheaper.  Then eventually my father bought the house as an investment allowing me to stay in it as long as I wanted to.  In the beginning I came to harbour to meet James on the ferry, I expected him to come on the fourth or fifth day, after the hike.  He didn't.  The sixth, the seventh, the eighth, still he didn't come.  I no longer expected him to come but meeting the ferry became a focal point of my day.  On days that I missed the ferry I felt a physical sickness, a dread in my stomach.

Then Bevin came back, years later.  They had finished the hike and had gone their separate ways.  The hike had been the ending of all the friendships.  Claire had moved in with her cousin.  James had taken a job overseas and things had been a bit rough for Bevin.  He, Bevin, is doing okay now, running a small delivery business.

Today he came back.  James came back.  But he didn't come back for me.  The man whom I had thought was the love of my life had come back with a replacement.  She looked just like me, same hair, same eyes, same mouth, same style too, but with one difference.  Just the one difference.  She was younger.  It was like James was coming back with the me of all those years ago.  He had aged, he was a fine looking older man.  Thicker set than he had been all those years ago but still good looking.

What am I going to do now, I can't come to the harbour to wait for him any more.

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